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January 28, 2007
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She smacked the door on her boyfriend’s face and walked out of his apartment, subsequently from his life and from everyone’s life including her own. She didn’t even take a raincoat when she knew it gotta rain. Anger does that to you. It had to shower heavily according to the weather forecast and she trusted the sources, as if prediction is true to its core and every trust isn’t a betrayal. But the forecasts don’t matter anymore nor the people when you know that you will die today anyways. Suicide will be her last action and she wasn’t happy about that but she saw no other choice, she was desperate.

She took a train, even though she didn’t know the destination. She needed time to think. She already had made her mind about the suicide but she needed to think about the medium. Medium, that will be pain free. She had suffered so many pains in her short life that her tolerance had ended long before. Only one vacant seat left on the train, she sat there beside a man older than her. She sat and started to sob while thinking about the pains, the betrayal, her family and the suicide. She pulled out a journal and begins to write franticly to divert her mind. The guy accidentally took a peek. "I hope they don't find the body,” he read.

As soon as he read those words, he lost his controls. The fear and the guilt started to pour in again. He was going back to his home after killing his brother-in-law, the reason best known to him. Now the painful words scribbled on the girl’s journal dominated all his breaths, every cell in his blood and every thought on his mind. He was thinking what if they found the body? What if they found they the proofs? What if her wife found?  He loved his wife more than him. He couldn’t see her leaving him alone. For the sake of that love, he couldn’t see himself hurting here. Selfish he was, as ever. He started feeling suffocated in that overloaded train and decided to get off the train.

Annie, the suicide to be was still on board. She took a train to think about how to do what she wanted to do but then as soon as she wrote that line, the goal took the backseat. She realized it was her last day and she wanted to meet one special person before flying to another world. In those moments, this young lonely girl wanted to meet her parents but they were in another town so her favorite high school teacher became even more special - circumstances, bloody circumstances. Everything changed. Now she had a reason to live, even if the life would last only till the hours before the night conquered the day.  Finally, she now knew at which stop she would get off. She started thinking about the good old school and whatsoever good days during the journey, pains were still there but now she was only feeling them and not thinking them.

When the stop came, she took a cab from the station and went straight to her teacher’s house, talked to her for a while. Annie was asked for a tea or a coffee. Choose whatever you would like her to drink, it doesn’t matter. While her teacher was in the kitchen, she glanced over the side table where a picture frame stood. The man looked familiar, very familiar. The man who killed of her brother-in-law. She asked her teacher, “Is that husband?” An affirmative reply came from the kitchen following a phone call. The Annie’s special person asked her to receive the call. The voice from the other end said, “You should be Mrs. Michael. I am sorry to give you this news. Your husband has attempted a suicide.”

Epilogue: Annie is dating a psychiatrist these days. Her teacher is trying to cope up with the fact that her life isn’t over yet though she has lost the two most beloved men of her life. Annie and her boyfriend are helping the orphaned widow to come out of the crisis.
For January ProsePrompt.

The prompt idea:
A man is on a bus going to work when a girl—sobbing—sits next to him. She pulls out a journal and begins to write franticly. Nosy, he takes a peek. "I hope they don't find the body,” he reads. Write a short story from the perspective of either the girl or the man chronicling what happens next.
:iconlyeshea:
lyeshea Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2007
This is interesting. I like the way that everything all ties in together, where the man she happens to sit next to on the train is tied in to her teacher who she goes to visit.

However, the execution could be much better. It comes across as rushed and disjointed. In part because you change POVs a lot. In six paragraphs we go from It's six paragraphs long and we go from 3rd person limited Annie, to Mr. Michael, back to Annie, to omniscient.

Also, slow down and double and triple check your grammar, particularly if you're not a native English speaker or even if you are and are not using English regularly. There's quite a few places where smoothing out the grammar would make this easier to follow.

If you like, I can give you specific points where the grammar pulled me out of the story and where it could be improved. You manage things very well, mostly, the problems seemed to be with colloquialisms and possessives.

Also, the rushed sensation doesn't let your readers come into the piece. It feels like it's over before it even begins. What I mean is, I'm still trying to process Annie breaking up with her boyfriend and contemplating suicide when she's already dating the shrink and helping her newly widowed teacher.

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh. It's an honest critique. And I would love to see this rewritten and slowed down a little.

Also, a note on vocabulary and implications. Attempted suicide implies that the person tried and failed, ie is still alive. The word that you want would be committed.
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:iconraheel07:
raheel07 Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2007
Yes kindly note me the grammatical corrections. Secondly I don't agree with you on pace. I wanted to show that how one moment, that one line changed the lives of both Annie and Michael. As far as the dating is concerned, I have added it as an epilogue which means that it is an extension to the story.
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:iconraheel07:
raheel07 Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2007
Thank you so much. English is not my first language but I enjoying writing in it more and always welcome critique.
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